Here and now

I read an interesting article today. The article started off, before you rush into resolutions and creating high expectations for 2012, celebrate what you accomplished in 2011. However big or small, celebrate what you accomplished and your past year. The article continued to explain about practicing contentment with who and where you are right here, right now. This is something I could relate to because I am someone who struggles with being content both with who I am and the here and now.

I feel as if sometimes I live my life as a drug addict. No I am not addicted to any drugs, nor do I even recreationally participate. But in the way a drug addict is always seeking that next high, I am always seeking that next great thing in my life. That “thing” could be, literally a new “thing”, or it could be marriage, children, a new/better job, more money, to lose more weight. Whatever it is at the moment, I’ve realized something about myself over the past few months; I struggle with contentment in the here and now.

Looking back over my 2011, I’ve had quite a few ups and downs. I’ve had some really high highs and really low lows. I’ve spent a lot of this year locked in my own head. It’s been a year for me of discovering a lot about myself that I never knew before. I’ve owned up to myself about fears I have, things I’ve done, and what I truly want for myself, my future, and my life. But in doing so, I still find myself saying; once this happens then life will be perfect. If I can just get this done, then life will be perfect. Instead of sitting back and saying, life is perfect, right here, right now, just as it is. I find myself so often saying, I want, I want, I want. I don’t know how often I find myself saying, I give, I give, I give. Whether that giving be of my time, my money to a charitable contribution, or just giving of myself to those I love. I have been quite selfish in 2011 and it wasn’t until recently that it hit me just how selfish I have been this year. I locked myself away into myself, purposely pushing people away and only seeing the world from my eyes…all of which were selfish acts. I do believe that we as humans sometimes should be selfish. If we don’t take time for ourselves and always give of ourselves what do we have left? However, we cannot be selfish all the time either. There has to be a balance. A yin and yang in life.

So, learning from my mistakes I plan to correct that. Looking back on 2011 I have more good in my life than I could ever imagine. 99.9% of the good in my life is each and every person I am lucky enough to call friend and family. Am I still on a quest for the life I hope to achieve? Yes! As a classic Type-A personality, of course I am. BUT, learning from those around me, learning from myself, I not only vow to be better about being content in the here and now, I vow to be a better human being. One of the items on my 101 list is to lose nothing from this past year and always carry it with me. This year has been one of learning about me, the good, the bad, and the ugly and one of learning more about life than I ever knew before. I just hope by carrying this last year with me I put more positive effects out into the world than negative.

A season of first’s

So, as the end of 2011 closes in, and my 35th birthday closes in on me even faster, I finally did a few things I had never done before in my life. First, I bought a new car. I have never bought a new car before. I have always owned used cars. I have always wondered what that new car smell was like. I’ve also always wondered what it was like to pick out the exact car you wanted. The one you just had to have. I did pick it out…a Ford Edge. And then I found out it was so ridiculously out of my price range that I literally laughed at the sales guy. Not willing to sacrifice everything I wanted on the car (the bells and whistles) simply to meet my budget, I said no. The sales and finance guys were floored that I walked out on what they said was a ridiculous deal. Maybe it was a ridiculous deal they were offering me. But I just wasn’t willing to compromise that much to hit the number in my budget. I learned something about myself that day. I learned just because someone tells me something is great and I should do it, doesn’t mean I have to. Instead, I went to Jeep and got myself a Jeep Liberty. That sales guy was great. No pressure. Let me take my time. Answered every question I had and never got frustrated or lost his patience with me. And, he hit my budget number WITH all the bells and whistles still on the car. I have to say, every morning now when I get in my car, I’m happy. I just am happy with my decision and love my car AND that to me is an amazing feeling. I think I love it the most because aside from getting advice from those I love and trust, and Road and Track magazine as my father taught me, I did this on my own. I looked around, I researched, I went to the different dealerships, and I chose the option that was best for me.

Another first for me was my first professional football game. On Dec. 4 I went to the Green Bay vs Giants game. I have always gone to college football games and LOVED those. I always wanted to go to a professional football game, but just never had the opportunity. Growing up in southern California we lost both our football teams when I was in junior high school to other cities. Los Angeles has yet to get a football team back. But, I digress. I had a blast at the game. The Giants lost but it STILL was super fun. We tailgated and had great seats and awesome fans around us which helped to make the game even that much more fun. It reminded me of being in college. Everyone having fun, enjoying the game, the excitement in the air, I definitely want to go to more and more games now...although I believe I'm still a ways away from being a season ticket holder.

The other first for me this season was decorating my house for Christmas alone and NOT being depressed about it. I pulled out my tree (I should mention it’s totally a fake), grabbed all my decorations, wreath, candles and had at it. I turned on the holiday music channel on my tv. I fought with my cat to get out of the tree box. I then spent (literally) days trying to find the metal hooks to hang my Christmas ornaments on the tree. At least I didn’t have to fight with the lights. That’s the beauty of fake trees…they already have lights on them! I have to admit, almost the entire time over the weekend that I was decorating I kept thinking, you’re supposed to be doing this with someone, but I would push that thinking out of my head and just went for it and tried to have fun with it. In the end I love the decorations I put up and am super happy to come home at night and turn on my Christmas lights. I’m glad I put up the decorations. It has helped make me excited for the coming holiday. I’m not sure what it is about the holiday’s that makes people so depressed. It seems like such a happy time of year. But, inevitably, people always get depressed. I get it, but I don’t. Maybe it’s the hype? Maybe it’s the retailers pushing the “merry happiment” bull down our throats. Maybe it’s that we as human’s have a tendency to focus on what we don’t have or haven’t accomplished instead of focusing on what we do have and what we have accomplished. I’m not really sure what it is, but I’m proud to say I didn’t let the holiday’s depress me. Not this year. You didn’t win.

Thankful

I have a REALLY bad habit of paying attention only to what I don’t have and not giving credit for what I do have. I know as human beings we ALL have this affliction. I try to be better, but I’m human, what can I say? One thing I can say is, for one reason or another, I’m more thankful than usual this Thanksgiving.

My parents are visiting this year and it’s been great having them here. I’ve been keeping my father occupied with little chores around my condo and my mother occupied doing what mother’s and daughter’s do best…shopping. I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner ever yesterday and I must admit it came out better than I anticipated (minus the gravy that was like cement – no literally when the gravy boat was tipped upside down the gravy didn’t pour out. It didn’t even move!). I never realized how much work it was cooking an entire Thanksgiving dinner. I’m unsure I’ll ever do THAT again! I will say I am extremely grateful to have had my parents here visiting me and to spend the holiday with them. I am a lucky girl to have them as my parents. They can get on my nerves – hey what parents don’t – but I am who I am today because of their love, guidance, and everything they’ve taught me over the years. I realized yesterday I may only have 10 years left with my parents. It came as a shock when I thought that, but, sadly it’s the truth. I need to cherish this time I have with them now because when they are gone I will miss them.

My favorite part of any holiday is after dinner, after desert, after everyone goes home I like to just sit and watch television…and listen. However, I’m not listening to the television…I’m listening to what’s going on outside. Nothing. I love the quiet of a holiday night. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a big city or a small town, at the end of the day once everyone is sufficiently stuffed and worn out, it’s true what the rhyme says, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. It gave me some time to think, to look beside me, to look around and realize all I have. Instead of saying, I should have this, I should have that, I realized how lucky I am to have exactly what I have in my life at this very moment. I wake up in the morning in a warm bed, I get in a car that starts without fail, I go to a job (while sometimes stressful and annoying) I enjoy it and it affords me the ability to pay my bills, to come home at night and have food to eat, and pay for the “things” I find so important to me. But what’s most important, what’s completely intangible but without which I’m positive I couldn’t call my life a life, are those I call family and friends. To have friends to talk to on the phone, to have family to turn to when I cry, and those extra special few in my life who I can yell at, cry to, laugh with, and have the time of my life with, that is what makes me a truly lucky and truly thankful girl.

12 Weeks

12 weeks into my 101 things list and I’ve actually accomplished or I am starting on the path to accomplishing a lot more than I ever thought I would have by now. Here’s a quick rundown of just the items where I’ve made attempts:

1. I have a plant, and I haven’t killed it…yet!
2. Run a 5K - I’ve started to do a couch to 5K program and am targeting the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure next May in New York City as the race I want to run start to finish.
3. Lose those last 10 pounds – see number 2 and number 10 & 13 for my progress toward this.
4. Go apple picking – I tried but it was a crappy apple season and when my friends and I arrived they told us they were out of apples. Maybe next year.
5. Find a career I love – I am making moves on this but I need to move a little faster, imho.
6. Learn to knit like my mother does – when she comes for Thanksgiving this year (bless her patient little heart) she’s going to try teaching me…again.
7. Blog at least once a week – I think I may have missed a week or two here or there, but I think I’m pretty much on target on that one.
8. Use my passport at least once a year - I went to Toronto earlier this year for work. I wasn’t a fan of the city. Next year the passport will be used for a fun girl’s trip to Berlin, Prague, Vienna and Budapest! I can’t wait!
9. Eat Paleo for one week – DONE! I did it and lost 2 pounds that week. I haven’t been as strictly following it as I did that first week but I will because I felt so good that week. I felt like I had more energy, I felt like I was doing something great for my body, and you know, bonus, I lost 2 pounds!
10. Put my blackberry away when out with family and friends – EPIC FAIL. I’m a crackberry addict, I can’t help it. But I will continue to try b/c I believe it is important for me to be present in the moment when I am with people.
11. Buy a brand new car – I am going test driving this weekend on the cars I like and by Thanksgiving I hope to own my very first brand new car!
12. Try a CrossFit gym – not only did I try it…I joined. And man I love it!
13. Cook one new recipe a month – I did this in Sept (a paleo recipe I loved) and in Oct (a chili recipe I did not love) and will continue trying because you never know what you may find.
14. Create a new playlist for my ipod – I’ve gotten suggestions for friends on this and now I just actually have to sit down and create it.
15. Have dinner with friends at least once a month – I have totally done this every month since starting my blog, if not multiple times a month. It’s great for the soul to sit around and b.s. with your girlfriends.

I think it’s a fairly solid start considering I’m kind of a procrastinator. I think I can do better and work harder on a lot of these. But I feel like this list, like life, is a journey not a destination. I’m on a journey to grow myself and expand my world and this list is part of that journey. And I’m excited to see exactly where it is this journey takes me.

Pumpkin Turkey Chili

So number 65 on my list is to try one new recipe a month. I haven’t been so good about this, but I found this recipe for Pumpkin Turkey Chili and decided it sounded interesting, why not try it out. With the cooler weather hitting the east coast chili is always a favorite comfort food of mine in the fall.

Ingredients
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 cup chopped onion
1/2 cup chopped green bell pepper
1/2 cup chopped yellow bell pepper
1 clove garlic, minced
1 pound ground turkey
1 (14.5 ounce) can diced tomatoes
2 cups pumpkin puree
1 1/2 tablespoons chili powder
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 dash salt
1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
1/2 cup sour cream
Directions

Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium heat, and sauté the onion, green bell pepper, yellow bell pepper, and garlic until tender. Stir in the turkey, and cook until evenly brown. Drain, and mix in tomatoes and pumpkin. Season with chili powder, pepper, and salt. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer 20 minutes. Serve topped with Cheddar cheese and sour cream.  Yields 6 servings.

Since I’ve been trying to eat paleo, I used olive oil instead of vegetable oil and did not use the cheddar cheese or sour cream. In my opinion this recipe was missing some flavor. I added extra salt, pepper and some garlic powder to the first bowl I ate. Since this recipe yields six servings, I definitely felt I needed to spice it up a bit. Tonight I plan on adding in some cayenne and red pepper flakes to hopefully give this chili the kick it needs.

Guerilla Fitness

On October 18, 2011 I did something I’ve been considering doing for, probably the better part of 2 years, but never had the courage to try. I finally tried a Crossfit gym. Guerilla Fitness in Montclair, NJ to be precise. I didn’t walk into this totally blind, however, I wasn’t 100% sure what exactly I was getting myself in to. My friend Bridget Murphy and her husband Ray own a Crossfit gym in Atlanta. I would always read about it on her facebook, blog, and read any and all articles she posted. I always felt crossfit was WAY out of my exercise league. I remember reading one article in particular about a guy who thought, what’s the big deal with Crossfit? It can’t be THAT hard. He went to his local Crossfit, did the workout…and promptly threw up at the end of it. I’m guessing he went in cold and did like a super intensive version of every workout and I’m also guessing the trainers were purposly trying to get him to that breaking point. However, as I walked into my first fundamentals class on October 18, looked around and realized I was the only chick with five pretty fit dudes, the only thing I could think was “DO NOT THROW UP CRYSTAL!”

The first thing I appreciated about Crossfit was, as opposed to a typical gym, they don’t just take your money and throw you out there to figure it out. They have you take a two week fundamentals class to teach you how to do everything they’re going to ask of you, and they teach you how to do it right. The second thing that struck me about Crossfit is the community. I have NEVER seen a group of strangers band together the way the Crossfit community does. For a while I thought, maybe Bridget & Ray just have a really awesome group of members at their location. But, the more I read about Crossfit, and after watching the class before my fundamentals class, the more I realize, this is who these guys are. They are a community that supports. They support one another, as well as support amazing causes such as cancer research and their popular Fight Gone Bad.

I’ll be honest, when I walked in to sign up last week, I didn’t go to the free trial class they offer. I didn’t ask, what do you do? I walked up and saw what looked like an open garage with gymnastics mats covering the floor, steel pipes running from one side of the gym to the other, gymnastics rings hanging down, and what I could only describe as odd torture chamber belts hanging off the steel pipes. I am guessing soon I’ll know what those are for. So, I walked in, and started talking to a coach, who as it turns out, was the owner. We discussed what I was looking for, the goals I wanted to accomplish and maybe I wouldn’t have been so quick to sign up had I never known about Bridget and Ray, but I said, let’s do it. I signed up right then and there. Should I have done more research? Maybe. But after two years of thinking about it, I was finally ready to just do it.

After my first class last night, let’s just say, score one for Crystal I didn’t throw up. Score another for Crystal: I figured I’d be last in the group and I was ok with that. I just kept telling myself do not let the guys blow you away too hard core. They didn’t. For that I was proud. I don’t expect to be able to keep up with dudes, however, I don’t want to get blown out of the water by them either. What can I say, I’m a competitive b*tch. So, that was fundamentals class one. Oct. 20, fundamentals class two. I have to say, it sure didn’t take me long to drink the Kool-Aid. I totally dig this place. It was hard, but I think what I liked about it was it reminded me of when I was playing softball. The workouts our coaches used to make us do didn’t always make sense to me but they always made us better softball players. And they made us closer because we were always pushing and supporting one another. For someone who’s so not a joiner, look at me, I joined.

60 days

Two months into my 101 list and I finally did Paleo. Yay me! From the moment I woke up on Monday, September 26 to the moment I went to bed on Sunday, October 2, everything I ate and drank was in accordance with Paleo (I hope!).

So, here’s how my week of meals broke down:

September 26:

Breakfast:

2 eggs over hard

Coffee

Lunch:

Chef salad with olive oil

Water

Dinner:

Easy Mexi Chicken

Glass of red wine

September 27:

Breakfast:

2 eggs over hard

Coffee

Lunch:

Easy Mexi Chicken

Water

Dinner:

Grilled chicken kabobs with grilled veggies

Glass of red wine

September 28:

Breakfast:

2 eggs scrambled with green pepper and onion

Coffee

Lunch:

Grilled chicken kabobs with grilled veggies

Water

Dinner:

Hamburger (no bun) with lettuce and tomato; sweet potato fries

Water

September 29:

Breakfast:

2 eggs scrambled with green pepper and onion

Coffee

Lunch:

Grilled chicken; steamed broccoli and greenbeans

Water

Dinner:

Hamburger (no bun) with lettuce and tomato; sweet potato fries

September 30:

Breakfast:

2 eggs over hard

Coffee

Lunch:

Chef salad with olive oil

Water

Dinner:

Hamburger (no bun) with lettuce and tomato; sweet potato fries

2 glasses red wine

October 1:

Breakfast:

Coffee (forgive me I woke up late and didn’t see the point in eating breakfast!)

Lunch:

Chef salad with olive oil

Dinner:

Burger (no bun) with bacon on top and sweet potatoes

Water

October 2:

Breakfast:

2 eggs over hard

Coffee

Lunch:

Chicken salad with olive oil

Water

Dinner:

Tuna salad with carrots

Glass of red wine

 

I’m not going to lie, it was hard. Turns out I hate black coffee! I craved a soda at lunch. I didn’t pack myself any snacks for that 3 o’clock lull in the day because, well, partially I wasn’t thinking and partially I wasn’t sure what to pack. I’ve realized now I think a great 3 o’clock snack would be some fruits and veggies. I also struggled a bit with getting out of the habit of using certain oils to cook with (ex: canola oil). I found myself checking labels of things I thought would be ok and realized they were either made with gluten or I couldn’t believe how much sugar was in them. I had to think about every meal, what went into it and how I prepared it because this is new to me, but, the more I do it the more second nature it will become. I did it and I’m proud of myself for that and for being able to check something off my list. It took some planning. I had to sit down and come up with meals I wanted for the week. Being a single girl who lives alone, you may see a lot of repeats in my meals. This is partially because, well, I live alone so who else is going to eat all those left overs and shopping for one is hard. Remember the scene in Under the Tuscan Sun when Frances yells at the butcher because she only wants one chicken? Yep, that’s my life. I just want one chicken but I always end up walking away with five. This next coming week I will be in Toronto for work. I‘m going to do my best to stick to paleo this week while traveling, and going forward.

I have to give credit to my friend Bridget Murphy because without getting some tips and recipes from her, I’m not sure I would have been able to do this! So mucho thanks to her and for anyone in the San Francisco area check out her personal training Primal Fitness Bootcamp. If you’re in the Atlanta area, check out her gym Cross Fit Peachtree, and if you aren’t in any of those areas but want some yummy, healthy recipes, check out her blog Cross Fit Peachtree Recipes. And if anything on this list was wrong I’m sure (with love) Bridget will yell at me and I can correct it! J

As for a two month update on the rest of my list, I also now have a plant. I will not check that off my list as an accomplishment until I can say I did not kill it. My good friend Monica knew that owning a plant was on my list so she gave me one that she felt I couldn’t kill. Within two days my cat Zoe had nearly chewed off an entire leaf. I took the plant to work and here’s hoping I can keep it alive for the next under three years! Wish me luck. I’ve also placed a call into the local cross fit gym and after my Toronto trip will be checking them out and seeing about joining. And I’m in the process of saving for a down payment on my very first brand new car. Now, if only I had any clue what car I wanted.

Dear Mr. Big

Recently you wrote to me and I cried my eyes out. I cry every time I read it. And I have read and reread it countless times. However, I realized something reading that letter; I realized that although I said I would never let anyone break me again, I did, in fact, break again. I used to think breaking was a bad thing. I’ve realized this is a good thing. To break, you have to allow someone in to a place where you are vulnerable enough to break, where they quite literally have your heart in their hands. I let you in to a place in my life that very few are ever allowed in to. I’m guarded, I’m closed off, and there are good reasons for that. But, I let you in there. Some would say having broken before I should have never let you in. Some would say having broken again I should be angry and hateful. Well, am I angry? Sometimes. Hateful? No. Hurt? Yes. Happy? Sometimes. Are those people right and I’m wrong? Maybe. Am I right and they’re wrong? Maybe.

All that being said, I am choosing to do something you actually taught me, see the bright side to all of this. I learned from you in this whole crazy thing. In the beginning I wanted nothing you did, in the middle I wanted everything you did, in the end, I’m unsure what either of us wants. One minute I still want what we both wanted, the next minute I simply take comfort in what we had and cherish what once was, the next minute I look forward to what will one day be for me. So am I conflicted? Yes. Those questions you said in the letter I asked of you, yup, I continue to ask them, whether to myself, out loud to the universe, or to you directly. However, I’m starting to let go of those questions, day by day, little by little, because I know that I may never have the answers.

You have been a friend to me in a way I never expected or could have ever anticipated. I’m letting the good of that out weigh the bad of other things. You have been my very own cheerleader in so many things that I can’t even begin to say thank you. You also helped me to realize things I want for my life, for my future I wasn’t quite sure I wanted or how to get to, for that I also say thank you.

You say to me you don’t want to let go and you get angry when I say I am, but I don’t really see any other way for either of us to move forward, particularly when it seems looking on the outside in, you are, in fact, letting go. When we first started talking, we were walking in two different directions. I was going, quite literally, east, very Far East, and you were, well, staying west. Then, somewhere along the way, I stopped going east and I met up with you in the west. Now, I find us, once again, in two totally different directions. You are still here planted firmly in the west, and I’m, well, I’m hopefully going somewhere. I just haven’t quite figured out which direction yet, but I’m hoping its south.

I know not everyone will understand why I would be so positive about a situation such as ours, and believe me I have my good and bad days, my accepting days and my angry days, my sad days and my happy days. But my life is not for others to understand or even accept. My life is mine to live. Am I a perfect person, God knows, no I’m not. But, I’m me and sometimes in life there are things we need to learn to continue on the path of becoming and bettering ourselves. Learning to let someone in is a good thing, even if not right or not meant to stay; I needed to learn that lesson and you helped teach me that.

I don’t know what my future holds, but that’s equal parts exciting and scary. There are all these possibilities for my life. I know I’ll get out there and grab them. I wish you well in your exciting and scary future and I know you wish me well in mine. We will get where the universe means for us to get in our lives. But for that moment in time, we made a memory.

My vagabond life

I grew up in a 4 bedroom house with a great front yard and back yard. By great, I mean, room to run and play as a kid. This is an important fact to point out because, having grown up in Southern California most people have barely a postage stamp they can call a front or back yard…and they’re lucky if they get two postage stamps as opposed to just one. My childhood, by no means easy, was a good one. I won’t get into the whoa is me’s of childhood, not really my point. My parents moved to Southern California from Connecticut before I was born. They were sick of the snow and cold, hard winters. My father’s parents and younger brother and his family moved out to Southern California as well. When my father was a child his family moved around a lot. He hated it and vowed never to do that to us. My parents haven’t moved from their house since they purchased it in 1973. Maybe like baldness, the desire to move constantly skips a generation.

While I enjoyed my life growing up in Southern California, and hey, who wouldn’t living just 20 minutes from the beach, I wanted out. Although in a major metropolitan area, I felt like I was stuck in this tiny world and I needed to get out. I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go or how in the hell I wanted to get out, but I knew I wanted out. First step was studying abroad at 21 in Paris for a semester. Yes, Paris, France. My first venture out of mom and dad’s home and I step off the plane into a city that’s filled with as much smoke as a hole in the wall bar on a Friday night, is grey in an almost melancholy way, as if even the city itself was annoyed with the world, has a subway system I couldn’t begin to understand (but every time I got on I thought of that Berlin song, riding on the metro-oh), and oh, I didn’t speak a word of their language, except oui, s’il vous plait, and bonjour. I never believed in love at first sight, until that moment. I loved Paris. Did I get homesick? Of course. But I’d never trade a second of my time there for anything in this world. I got to spend time in a city in a way many don’t. I became a local, in a way. I knew my way around the metro, I knew where the non-touristy places were to hang out, and I reveled in baguettes, cheese, and a bottle of wine for dinner at night (ok, maybe that was totally touristy but I was a starving student). I did completely random things like go see the Mighty Mighty Bosstones in concert; walk the Tuileries simply because it was a beautiful day; go to Chili’s with friends and get completely wasted on their version of Mike’s Hard Lemonade (maybe it WAS Mike’s Hard Lemonade, I honestly don’t remember) simply because it was hot and we were homesick.

After Paris I came back to California and I felt stuck, so, I did the totally logical thing and went to finish my bachelor’s degree at the University of Wyoming in Laramie, WY, population 27,000. Totally makes sense, right? I’ll never forget when I first drove into Laramie. I was with my parents and as we came into town off of 80 East we drive right through downtown and made a left heading toward campus. I remember looking at the downtown shops. The sky was the bluest blue I’d ever seen but everything around me seemed brown, not dirty, just brown, and everywhere I looked I saw, what I called giant Christmas trees. The downtown area seemed to be all at once stuck in the past and perfectly situated for the current time. That night we went to dinner and drove around a bit. My first question was, where’s the mall? Where’s the city? My parents laughed and said you picked this place. Again, homesick in the beginning, once I gave UW a shot, I made some amazing friends, many of whom I’m still in daily contact with and visit often. As with Paris, I don’t regret the decision to go to UW. I loved the football and basketball games, the parties, and as much as I complained about the work I loved learning and I can honestly say I wouldn’t be where I am today had I not gone to UW.

After UW I moved to Denver. My time there was miserable. I hated my job, hated my apartment, all my friends were a two hour drive away, I knew no one in Denver. Looking back I learned a lot while I was in Denver. I learned that friends don’t just show up on your doorstep, you have to get out and look for them. I learned that your life is what you make of it, and while I was in Denver I didn’t make much of it. I left Denver and went back to Southern California feeling like a failure. I was 24.

After a few years back in my parents house and getting my life together, I finally had the courage to make the one move I’d always dreamt of…moving to NYC. I was 27. Ok, so I never actually made it to NYC, but close, I’ve been in North Jersey for the past 7 years (with a side note work deviation back to Southern California for 6 months). I took what I’d learned in Denver and did everything in NJ the opposite of how I did things in Denver. I think it’s worked out quite well for me. I have a ridiculous amount of amazing friends that sometimes I think, if I’d never have moved here I’d never have known any of these people exist. And they’re so important in my life I can’t imagine not knowing they exist. I would not be who I am today without knowing each and every one of them.

I’m struggling a bit though right now. I put down roots in January when I purchased my first home. 9 months into it and I’m already thinking, where can I go? In my 7 years living here I’ve now moved (if you count the trip to and back from CA) 6 times. The reason I was in California for work was I was waiting for a VISA to go and work in Dubai. That VISA never came through, which is why I’m now back in NJ. It bothers me sometimes that I didn’t get the chance to work in Dubai. I really, really wanted to do it. I’ve always dreamt of working internationally. I’m trying to say there was a reason I didn’t go and it will one day show itself to me. But I was ready, when I left NJ, I was ready for what I thought was the next chapter in my vagabond life and it didn’t happen. I wonder sometimes, am I running from or running to something? I love my home, I love my friends, I love NJ, but I feel this pull for something else out there. I just am not quite sure yet what or where.

Confessions of an online dater

Ok, so I’ve been online dating. As I mentioned before, it’s a scary world out there, the online dating world. But, I hear all these stories about so and so that met so and so online and now they’re in love, blah, blah, barf. I’ll be honest; as much as I’d like to I can’t classify the know someone who knows someone who met someone great online stories into urban dating myths because, well, I personally know someone who married someone he met online, and two others who are in serious long term relationships with guys they met online. So, they provide me the hope and I keep pushing through.

I recently went out with two different guys that I had met online. The first guy, we’ll call him Marine (original name, I know), was an ex marine, currently going to college, and waiting to get the call to head to the police academy. From the emails and phone calls he seemed nice enough, so we met one night for sushi. First thing I notice is he’s asking me if I want him to pick me up. Um, no, you’ve been trained to kill in I don’t know how many different ways. Thanks, I’ll take my chances and drive myself to the restaurant. Second thing I notice is we had decided on a restaurant, and then he says well, maybe we can go somewhere closer to you. The restaurant was nearer to where he lived. I suggest a sushi place that’s half way between the two of us, however, it’s BYOB. For those of you who don’t know, and believe me, this was a shock to me as well when I first moved to New Jersey, not every restaurant in New Jersey has a liquor license. Apparently they’re very expensive and hard to come by. So, many restaurants will get what they call a corking license. You bring the alcohol; they can open it for you. So he says, “Oh, no, I don’t want to go to a BYOB. I think it’d be odd walking in with a six pack for me and a bottle of wine for you.” I think to myself, how much do you plan on drinking tonight? Anyway, so I meet him at the restaurant and we sit down. Marine, being an ex marine, sits in a way so he can see the entire restaurant and if anyone is coming at him. Quirk of his training I suppose. We order our drinks and review our menus. Marine starts talking. I honestly don’t remember majority of the conversation, what I do remember is he talked. A lot. No, no, I mean He. Talked. A. LOT. For those of you who know me, I can talk, a lot. For me to notice that someone is talking a lot, means they were talking in a ridiculous amount. Here’s the funny thing about the date. I could probably tell you everything about Marine. Ask Marine to tell you about me, and I doubt he could tell you anything. I know that Marine was a sniper and Special Forces. I know that Marine has 5 brothers and sisters. I know that Marine grew up in NJ but then in high school moved to Las Vegas and then joined the marines and after that was over moved back to NJ. I know that his mother and step father and brother are still in Las Vegas. I know that his father and the rest of his siblings are here in NJ. I know that his roommate is currently living with him because he’s going through a divorce and could no longer stand living with his parents. I know that he is studying engineering but considering switching to psychology because a lot of vets need help after seeing what they see and that a doctor without having been in combat can’t give them the help the vets truly need. Side note – I thought this was cool of him.  Anyway, I also know that he scored a 98% on the police exam. I know that he was wounded (I don’t know how, this he didn’t tell me). I also know that he knows nothing about me. He barely asked any questions about me, barely let me talk when he did ask questions, and kept talking about my brother in the marines. I should mention a) my brother is not in the marines and b) my cousin is active duty military however, he is army. All of which I correctly (it’s my family, I think I would know) stated to him, however, he continued to talk about my brother the marine. By the end of the night I stopped correcting him and just would smile and nod when he talked about my brother the marine. By the end of the night I stopped doing much of anything except smiling, nodding, drinking my white wine and eating my sushi. At the end of the night Marine walked me to my car, hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and asked me out again, saying if I don’t have to take my roommate to his parents house (why his roommate can’t drive himself I didn’t care to ask for an explanation) then let’s hang out Saturday night. I said ok, I’m not really sure why I said ok, I guess I just thought what the hell. Marine never texted or called me again and I never bothered to text or call him either. Who knows why he never followed up, and honestly, who cares? Maybe Marine was busy driving his roommate to my brother the marine’s house.

Contestant number two in the dating game that is my life we shall call Granola. Granola emailed me and it was sweet, nice and he used proper grammar. So, I checked his profile. First clue I should have gone no further, he has a picture of himself with his VW bus. Second clue, he has long hair. Third clue, he likes camping and hiking and while every once in a while I will go on a nice hike, I’m not like an every weekend lets go commune with the woods kind of girl. So, I thought, well, you never know he seems smart and sweet so I emailed back. We chatted a bit over email and then texted a bit. We finally met up on a Sunday afternoon at a cute New Orleans style bar/restaurant. When I arrived he was wearing a plaid shirt and yup, he still had long hair, pulled back in a pony tail. Still not wanting to be rude we sat down. The place was packed with Giants fans. Hoping to sit at the bar where we could see the game, he asks the hostess for a table. We sat down and he asks me “Do you like football?” With hopes up, I respond, “Yes, you?” He says, “No.” Hopes dashed that was the end of that discussion. We start talking and he’s a video editor in TV and a great photographer. We spent about 3 hours at the bar and had good conversation and bonus points, he not only asked about me, but listened to the responses.  However, the more we talked the more I realized this guy just isn’t for me. The VW bus I mentioned earlier? He told me about it and how sad he was when it died and he had to sell it. He mentions a camping trip he went on recently with friends and said, “I am going to have to bow out gracefully on next year’s trip.” I ask why. He says, “Well, I knew this year’s trip was going downhill when they wanted to rent a speedboat.” All I could think was what’s wrong with that? Sounds like a great time to me. Then he says, “They’re talking about bringing a sheet and projector next year so they can watch movies at night.” Again, thinking, what’s wrong with that? And ends with, “These guys bring coolers filled with beer and finish them off when the weekends over.” Again, what’s wrong with that? I felt it was inappropriate to ask on a date if his friends were single and cute because their version of camping, IF I were to ever go camping, sounded WAY better than his version to me. Anyway, he also walked me to my car, hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and said goodbye. Later when I arrived home he texted saying he had a good time and let’s do it again. I said yes. I’m not sure why. I convinced myself because he was nice it’d be worth it, but, as one of my BFFs said to me, why force it? You’re wasting both his and your time. She was right.

Since these two dates I’ve been emailing with a few other guys online. It’s hard though. It’s time consuming to get to the first date only to find out nothing’s there. Scrolling through profiles, emailing only to not get a response back, or worse, getting emails from guys that are so off the wall or rude you’re like, really? You expect someone to respond to that? I have kind of come to a place where I will keep my profile up, and keep somewhat active, but I’m focusing on me here. I’m doing what I want, when I want, with whom I want, how I want. I have a list of things to get to and with or without anyone to do them with me, I’m gonna do them. I think the more I focus on me and living my life the easier I think finding someone to share it with will be. And hopefully he won’t only ever talk about himself or be in love with his VW bus.

Age is just a number

As the old adage goes, age is just a number, it means nothing. But, if it means nothing, how can it at the same time mean so much. Think about it? How excited were you to turn 16, 18, 21? How terrified were you to turn 30? I have a friend that will be 40 in a few years. We joke with her that we can’t wait for her 40th because we’re going to take a trip to Vegas to celebrate. She freaks out every time we bring it up. She’s says I’m all for a trip to Vegas but please stop talking about my 40th. I will be 35 in a few short months and it has brought up so many questions, fears, and anxieties I never knew were there, just lying below the surface, dying to rear their ugly head.

I have voiced my concerns to friends, but they’re younger and say, oh, you have time, it’s only a number. I have voiced my concerns to other friends, those turning 35 around the same time as me, or those older than me, but they have children already or don’t want children. I have yet to talk to someone in real life that is like me: 35 or older, single, and scared sh*tless. I don’t consider 35 old. I don’t look in the mirror and see myself as ancient. I think I look pretty damn good for almost 35. I actually don’t think I look almost 35 (maybe I’m delusional on that point, but, let me have that delusion). I’m quite happy with my life overall. I have a great family, amazing friends, a kinda cool job (even if I don’t love it), an awesome condo, have traveled to some cool countries, plan to travel to many more, and I have a fairly crazy but cool gato that I love. All in all, I don’t have a bad life. I look around and think I’m definitely blessed. But, I also look around and think there’s still more I want for my life.

I always knew I wanted children. Most little girls dream of their wedding day. I never did. I dreamt of the children I’d have. I wanted a house full of children. I never thought about their father, who he would be. I guess I just figured that piece of the puzzle was the easy part. Boy was I wrong. I also never thought I would find myself one day, frozen by the fear that not finding my children’s father will prevent me from ever having children. I’m faced with all these facts as I head toward my 35th year on this earth:

• The biggest obstacle for women age 35 or older may be getting pregnant in the first place. Fertility rates begin to decline gradually at age 30, more so at 35, and markedly at age 40. Women 45 and older rarely get pregnant without some kind of fertility treatment. Even with fertility treatments such as in vitro fertilization, women have more difficulty getting pregnant as they age. They also have more trouble staying pregnant: The rates of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy go up substantially with age. (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 8).
• The risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome rises from about 1 in 759 at age 30 to 1 in 302 at age 35, 1 in 82 at age 40. (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 1).
• Women over 35 are at a higher risk of developing certain complications during pregnancy such as gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, placental abruption (in which the placenta prematurely separates from the uterine wall), and placenta previa (in which the placenta lies low in the uterus, partly or completely covering the cervix). (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 5).
• Research shows that your chances of having a low-birth weight baby (less than 5 1/2 pounds) or a premature delivery increase with age. Some studies show that older women are more likely to need pitocin during labor, and most studies show a significantly higher rate of delivery by cesarean section. (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 6).
• Researchers have found a higher risk of stillbirth and maternal death in women who give birth at 35 or older (though the overall number of stillbirths and women who die in childbirth each year has dropped significantly in the United States in the last few decades). (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 7).
• On a positive note, more women are having babies later in life in the United States than ever before. In the year 2000, the rate of birth among women 35 to 39 years old was up 30 percent from 1990. In women ages 40 to 45, the increase was 47 percent, and for those ages 45 to 49, the rate was an astounding 190 percent higher. (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 9).

So, I read this, and yes, it freaks me out. I never thought of myself as running out of time, until this past summer. This summer I finally admitted to myself things I never would admit to myself out loud. Oh, the feelings were certainly there, but I never would truly own up to them. I kept them buried, afraid that admitting them made me, well, I guess seem weak or un-independent. I finally admitted to myself I want to get married. I want to have children. I used to pretend that I didn’t care about those things, that if it happened, it happened. Somewhere along the way I stopped pretending and admitted, yup, I want that, too. Which leaves me sitting here, 3 months out from my 35th birthday thinking, now what?

I guess the thing is I do hear that stupid biological clock ticking. When thinking about marriage and children in the past I always felt, ok, well, I’ll find him and in time it will all just happen. But, 3 months out from my 35th birthday, I’m not so sure anymore. What if I don’t find “him?” I tell myself ok, well, then you adopt or there are other means to becoming a mother if this is what you want. But, right now I’m not in a position to be a very good single mother, so that’s not really an option. Maybe one day it would be an option for me, being a single mother, right now not so much.

I’m a person who works better with things when doing something to make them happen. But this is something that’s so beyond my control I’m unsure what I can do to make it happen and I ultimately think that’s what bothers me the most. That I can’t control this, I can’t just make it happen. Well, I could, but see above about not in a position to be a single mother right now. Whenever I think about it I like I’m a hamster on a wheel running and running but getting no where, I’ve come to no conclusions, no decisions, no answers. The only thing I can do is sigh, pull up my big girl panties, enjoy my life as it is right now and have faith that one day I will find “him” and have the family I crave. And until then I suppose I should sleep because from everyone I know who does have children that (and s*x) are the first things to go when the babies come.

Reference:

Mussalli, George (n.d) What are the risks of having a baby if I’m 35 or older? Retrieved from http://www.babycenter.com/. The numbers used on BabyCenter are from a reference book published by the Fetal Medicine Foundation: The 11 — 14-week scan: The Diagnosis of Fetal Abnormalities, by Kypros H. Nicolaides, Neil J. Sebire, and Rosalinde J.M. Snijders (Parthenon Publishing Group. New York, NY, 1999).

 

Batter up

So, it’s officially one month into my 101 things and I’ve done…nothing. Ok, so I was successfully putting $25 a week into my savings account but I ran into a long story short snag that’s really not worth getting into here and I had to move that money back into my checking account. So, I’m back to zero. I feel like in a way, my current money situation is a metaphor for my life lately. Just when I start to get ahead, I take two steps backward. I made a statement yesterday to a friend that life is like baseball. Sometimes you get thrown a curveball and you just don’t see it coming. You take a swing, you miss. So, you step out of the batter’s box, readjust, and on the next pitch you’re ready for it and swing away.  So, this is me, today, stepping out of the batter’s box and readjusting so I can again, swing away.

I said I was going to start with going paleo and joining cross fit. I can not right now afford a cross fit gym so I’m going to put that on hold for a bit until I can afford it. I will, however, begin the paleo in earnest. I have printed out some recipes and read up a bit to understand the core principles.  I will hit the grocery store tomorrow night (hey its Labor Day weekend, I deserve to relax, too!) and I will stock up for my week of paleo. I recognize in myself that I work best in bite sized goals. So, goal one, paleo for a week. Then, paleo week 2, paleo week 3, etc. I will keep you all updated on how I ACTUALLY do this time and definitely will post any recipes that I find to be especially yummy. 

As for the rest of my list, well, let’s see. I guess this week I’ll start over with putting $25 a week into my savings account. I have spoken to some friends about potentially getting tickets to the December 4 Green Bay vs Giants game. I hope this works out because I have always wanted to attend a professional football game. I have also taken a step, potentially, toward finding a career I love. But, that’s a bit premature right now and I will write more about that as it comes into more clear focus.  To be honest, I haven’t been attempting much on this list. I know, I know, it’s not like I have 101 days to do each of these items, I have time, however, I am a firm believer in you set a goal, you make the necessary steps, and you achieve the goal. I have set the goals, but I have not been taking the necessary steps to achieve the goals. So, today, this is me, readjusting my swing and stepping back into that batter’s box.

I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I have kept up with blogging once a week and I had dinner with three different sets of friends last month and already this month I went out with to dinner with another group of friends, so I have been keeping up with the go out to dinner with friends once a month item.  I’m actually glad that of all the things I’ve kept up with that’s one of them because to be honest my friends are my world, my rocks, they keep me sane. I don’t know where I’d be in my life without them to call me out when I’m being crazy, to laugh at me when I’m being silly, and to all around just be the wonderful, great, supportive people they are in my life.

But, one thing I have been horrible at is #86 – slow my tongue; words hurt and I need to learn to not always say exactly what I’m thinking. I have, as of late, fallen into a really strange angry place. It’s not my normal character. It’s not who I am. I know this. I sort of understand where it stems from, but I sort of don’t. I have been taking out on the world my frustrations with things that are beyond the worlds and even my control. I’m a genuinely happy person. Sure, we all have our bad days, but as of late I have had one too many strings of bad days. Again, readjusting my swing, I took this weekend to take a step back and examine my feelings. To really get to the core of what was upsetting me and confront it. I am now, standing outside the box, putting some tar on the bat and thinking. What’s my next move? Baseball is a game of strategy. Life is a game of strategy. I need this minute to step back, readjust, and then push forward so I can start hitting my line drives again. Oh, I’m not a home run hitter. Small ball is the way I play. Hit enough line drives you’ll eventually score. And it only takes one point on the board more than your opponent to win. So, I just have to get my swing back. I hope that by next month I’ll have more positive results to post. But for now, I’m happy to say that I’m readjusting and that’s ok. We all need time in life to fix our swing.

A reason, a season, or a lifetime

I often hear the saying people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I love this saying. I’m not sure of the origins of this saying. I couldn’t tell you where it came from, who originally said it, but, I truly believe, as with many clichés they are clichés because there is truth to what is being said. I decided to investigate this saying a bit, figure out where it came from. I found a poem. It’s quite a beautifully written poem. I personally have had many people come into my life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. We all have. The hard part is accepting when someone you thought was there for a lifetime, it turns out, was really only there for a reason or a season.

I believe everyone we meet in life has something to teach us. We can learn from everyone. I can name several people who have shaped and influenced me in my life. Even those at the time I didn’t realize were shaping or influencing me. My old boss John Rockwell is one. A man that at times angered me beyond points I ever knew that I could get angry. Unable to understand it at the time, I realize now he was pushing me beyond my limits, beyond my comfort zone because he had faith in me. He knew I could “figure it out” as was one of his catch phrases that often drove me insane. He worked me, he worked me hard. He pushed me, he aggravated me, he made me laugh, and he made me cry. He also, always supported me. He is the reason I no longer question my gut instincts at work. I no longer second guess what I have to say before I say it. I have a new boss now, a new company. But Rock, as we affectionately called him, is never far from me. I will be honest; when I left Rock I didn’t truly understand the mentoring he gave me. I didn’t fully appreciate it at the time. I do now. When I find myself saying something at my new company that is so completely a Rockwell statement, it makes me laugh. I don’t find myself thinking I have nothing to contribute, that someone knows better. Rock instilled in me the confidence that I, I do know best. For that, I will be forever grateful to him for being in my life for a reason.

Another person I believe was in my life for a season. He’s my own personal Mr. Big. The one I just never quite let go of. He taught me so much about my ability to be vulnerable. I am not good at vulnerable. I have walls. I have immense, gigantic walls up that if you can even get across the moat to get to the walls you’re braver than most. It’s a self protectionist’s go to response when, well, protecting themselves from hurt. No one likes to get hurt, no one enjoys it. As humans we don’t like pain, whether that pain was caused by a broken foot, a broken heart, or the death of a loved one. To allow someone in, to let them get across the moat, scale the 12 foot high brick walls, and get to the other side. That takes a lot for a self protectionist to do. It puts us in such an extremely vulnerable place that it is scary. We will push back; we will fight to keep them out; we will anger them to get them to walk away. But, every once in a while, someone will still keep coming and cross that moat, scale those walls, get in, and show you that letting someone beyond those walls can be an amazing, exciting feeling. It can bring you joy and happiness you never knew was possible. Of course, a person who is only there for a season, they don’t stay. How do you differentiate between people who are there for a season as opposed to a reason? This person, who was only there for a season, still taught me something. Does this make them a reason or a season in my life? In my eyes, both. Mr. Big was never meant to stay, but he was still meant to teach me something. I have learned as much as it hurts, it feels good to let someone beyond those walls and into the core of who you really are. That it’s ok, one day, to let someone else in beyond those walls, someone who is worthy to get beyond those walls. I fight, I struggle between closing myself off again – a self protectionist’s go to response to life. But I am trying to take what I have learned, and remember that letting someone worthy to get across that moat and over those walls will show himself again, and when he does I will remember what I’ve learned and maybe not make it so difficult for that person climbing over. Maybe I’ll let my hair down a little more; maybe I’ll remember that letting people in to the core of who you are, it feels good to do so.

There are many, almost too many people in my life that I could list who are, for me, lifetimes. I wrote about one earlier, Bridget Murphy. Someone I’ve always looked up to. I also have some amazing best friends that I don’t need to name because they know who they are (two of them have blogs in my list to the right!) I have learned from these friends, I have become who I am today because of these friends. Four of those who I know without hesitation will be in my life for a lifetime were also once roommates of mine. These girls have taught me how to be more independent, how to be more open, how to hug more, that air kisses are ok. Through these four girls, I’ve made other friends that I also know are in my life for a lifetime. If it weren’t for them my circle of amazing girl and guy friends would not be what I call it today. I don’t know that I would have made it through Hurricane Irene without these friends. Texting one another, checking in on one another, showing me that just when you think you’re all alone (it was a long, quiet 3 day weekend in my house just me and my cat Zoe) you’re so far from alone it’s remarkable. Those who reached out to me this weekend, they were all my lifetimes. My two best friends from high school, my parents, my sister, my cousins, and my four ex-roommates all checked in on me. And I think I showed my lifetime-ness to them as well, checking in on my friends here in NJ that were down the shore where the hurricane was poised to hit hardest, those that were in flood zone prone areas. That’s the thing about friendship. It’s a two-way street. It’s give and take. They take care of you when you need them; you take care of them when they need you.  We need to recognize and cherish those who are here for our lifetime because the funny thing about life, it’s short. Before you know it your lifetime, or your loved ones is up, and if you haven’t cherished your lifetimes, cherished YOUR lifetime, well that’s just a regret one can not live with.

As with those who are in our life for a reason or a season, we also learn from those who are in our life for a lifetime. It’s important to realize that those who came for just that reason or season helped to shape who we become in life. Yet, so do those who stay in our lives for a lifetime. I believe that everyone that comes into our life, in some form, in some way, has something to teach us about life, love, ourselves. You can learn from everyone who comes into your life. We just have to remember to be open, be willing, and be vulnerable.

Ok Cupid...or is that stupid?

As I sit in my house this weekend waiting out the effects of Hurricane Irene I have decided to venture into the world of online dating. I’m unsure if online dating is for me. I have tried it a few times, but never put a lot of effort into it. This time I decided I am going to try it, once again, but actually put effort into it. I am really reading profiles. I am actually looking at what each person is about, what they are looking for, what they love, and yes, I’m vain, so I’m looking at their pictures, too. It just amazes me though what you find out there. I have seen everything from one man’s headline that states, “Just looking for someone normal.” Really? Aren’t we all? Another man states in his profile if I took the time to email you, you should take the time to email me back. Thank you for teaching me manners before I’ve ever even met you. This same man also states in his profile he likes his girls to dress up for him, wear heels and garters, lingerie and the likes. Wow, um, are you looking for a hooker or a relationship? I don’t mind doing nice things for my boyfriend, dressing up, being sexy for him but please don’t put in your profile any of that. Let’s discuss that once we’ve gotten past the “what do you do for a living” conversation. 

I received an email from a man last night. He seemed nice enough, I liked his profile, he looked cute in his pictures. So, I responded. We exchanged numbers and started texting. First clue this wasn’t going to go far…he says to me Crystal. Do you come with a spoon because you look delicious. Really? Can we say cheesy? Perplexed I say that’s a new one. Usually the joke that goes along with my name is comparing it to a particular illegal substance. He says, oh, are you a drug? Still perplexed I respond I do drive some people crazy. Then he asks me if I have any tattoos. I say yes. He asks where. I tell him. He asks if I have pictures of them I say no. Who keeps pictures of their tattoos on their phones? Then he says do you have any other pictures. I say no, I don’t make it a habit to keep pictures of myself on my phone. I’m vain, but not that vain. He responds I have pictures but I’m unsure if I should send them. This led me to believe these pictures were rated R not G and I stopped responding and plan to never respond again.

If these things didn’t happen to me I almost wouldn’t believe they could happen. I personally know people who have met amazing boyfriends online. I’ve known one who got married to the person they met online. I know it can happen I’m just unsure it will happen for me this way. I’m trying to have faith though and will continue to weed through the many, many profiles and see how it goes. The fact is sadly, great boyfriends are not just dropped off at your front door. Talking today to my (straight) male BFF he offered to look over my profile and give me tips to make sure I wasn’t attracting the unwanted attention including the latest email I received stating the man emailing me was 5’9”, 180 pounds and looking for a friendship and/or a casual sexual relationship. I wrote back and said I am not looking for that (hello read my profile please) and promptly deleted and blocked this particular gentleman. Man, it’s a scary, scary world out there online. But, as my male BFF reminded me, it’s no different than the bar. You could still meet that man who is only looking for a casual sexual relationship and you could still meet that man that’s also looking for something more serious, but just isn’t for you. His point, totally valid, led me to continue with the online dating world. Albeit somewhat reluctantly, but I’m out there, I’m online, I’m trying and as stated in my last post He’s just not that into you, “after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.” So this is me, not giving up hope. Yet. Then again, maybe I’ll just get a puppy and call it a day. They’re loyal, always at the door to greet you when you come home, happy to see you no matter what you look like or what mood you’re in, but they’re not potty trained. Then again, are men really ever potty trained? Decisions, decisions.

He's just not that into you

“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe...it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.” Gigi

I loved the book He’s Just Not That Into You. I loved the movie as well. They were, for me as a female told all the things growing up that Gigi mentions in the quote above, eye openers. It is one of the few chick flicks Hollywood has put out that I believe showed life and love as close to reality as many of us real girls get. Tell me you don’t know a friend or family member who could relate to Ginnifer Goodwin, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly and, yes, even Scarlett Johanson’s characters. Some of the advice given in the book and acted out in the movie seems simple enough to understand and only a dumb person wouldn’t get it. Example, if a man cheats on you he just isn’t that into you. Well, duh. Or how about this one: you go on a date, think everything went well, the guy gives you all the “I like you” signals, and then you never hear from him. You think, ok, guess he didn’t like me. Well, not necessarily true. After polling several male friends and advice books, I’ve learned men will not call when they don’t like you and they’ll not call when they do like you. Really? Thanks for making that clear cut and simple to understand.

Dating is difficult; those of us out there in the dating world know this.  Those NOT in the dating world can certainly remember how difficult it was. I feel like the invention of texting and social networking has increased the level of difficulty in dating.  As also brought up by Drew Barrymore’s character, Mary, in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You: “I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.”

Sadly, the stork doesn't drop off amazing boyfriends at our doors. As much as I LOVE to watch chick flicks, I HATE them. I mean, really, who is that lucky to have some gorgeous landscaper work on their house and fall in love with them. Or switch houses with a stranger for a holiday and fall in love with the stranger’s brother and/or neighbor. Or go off to Ireland to propose to your boyfriend only to end up with the gorgeous Irish guy who helps you to GET to said boyfriend to propose. Don't get me wrong, I'd love for any of it to happen to me, but let's be real. Stuff like that doesn’t happen to real girls. The third act twist doesn’t exit. The grand gesture, it isn’t for us real girls. Maybe it’s out there for some, and they will continue to be the “urban relationship myths” as coined so eloquently by Miranda in Sex in the City to give us single gals out there hope. But I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to chick flicks, life does NOT imitate art.

In love, as with life, there are no guarantees, no absolutes. This is what makes dating so damn difficult. Of course, the “urban relationship myths” certainly don’t help a gal out either.  The minute we gather up the courage to accept that said person just isn’t that into us, a well meaning friend, always a female, will tell you no, no my friend’s cousin’s friend met this guy and they went on a date and didn’t talk again for six months and then they ran into each other and bam now they’re happily married. These well meaning girlfriends are doing what we girls are taught to do, supporting one another.  Supporting our fellow female (quite often this support involves tears, tissues, and copious amounts of ice cream and/or alcohol).  It’s these well meaning girlfriends that give us real girls hope about our particular pathetic dating circumstance.

For me, because I love my girlfriends, I will continue to accept their support about my pathetic dating circumstances, because, as Gigi states, “after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.” And I, for one, am not ready to give up hope that my happy ending is out there. It may not be a third act twist, a grand gesture, a chick flick worthy story book ending. But, I have faith my happy ending is out there and I shall find him. Part of my journey on these 101 things in 1001 days is meeting the person that I will share my happy ending with. Maybe I shouldn’t have put a time frame on meeting him, but life is a journey not a destination (as the cliché says) and these 101 things are part of my life journey and do I hope I meet him before my 1001 days are up? Yes. If I don’t will I die? Nope. I’ll just give $50 to charity and move on to the next 1001 day journey of my life having never given up hope.

Going Paleo

Two items on my list, going Paleo and joining a Cross Fit gym are there because of a friend of mine that I’ve had since, holy hell, 2002. Bridget and I met when I moved back to California after college. We worked together in the ever fascinating marketing department at a mortgage company. We spent a lot of time at that job talking and laughing, mostly about our cats and how hysterical they could be. Oh, and we did a little bit of work, too. Bridget was, even then, probably one of the healthiest people I knew. A foodie, a wine lover, and traveling junkie, her and her husband Ray I can say to this day are two people I would be honored to live my life like. They set a sky diving record; have traveled to more of my bucket list places than I’ll ever hope to get to, are advocates for animal rights, own their own businesses, and moved from Chicago to Huntington Beach, California to Atlanta and now are in San Francisco.

Via the beauty of social networks and email, I have remained in touch with Bridget. While in Atlanta they opened a Cross Fit gym and became advocates for the Paleo lifestyle. In 2004 I started a personal journey toward living a healthier lifestyle. I lost and have kept off 30 pounds (with an admitted up and down here and there).  However, the thing that has nagged me has been those last stubborn 10 pounds. I spoke to Bridget about my list and told her going Paleo for a week was on my list. She told me give me 30 days and I promise you’ll lose those 10 pounds. I put a week on my list because I didn’t want to set myself up for failure, however, there is a wedding in September I am attending and I’d love to have those 10 pounds gone by then. So, I’ll up the anti and give Bridget her 30 days and I will begin on Aug. 15.  I know, I know, every diet begins on Monday, or so people say, and then they never start. But, in my defense I have to clean out my pantry and refrigerator, go grocery shopping and pull down some recipes if I’m really going to commit to this. Something tells me the hardest part will be NOT putting creamer in my coffee.

I didn’t intend for this journey into Paleo to be so sappy, but, Bridget truly is someone I look up to (granted she’s only 2 years older than me!) Although I understand her life isn’t perfect, she lives it with a zest that I wish others would embrace. I am taking steps to embrace that zest…although something tells me there may be A LOT of curse words along the way to said zest.

101 Things in 1001 Days

I’m not a joiner. Never have been, probably never will be. I hate group exercise classes at the gym. I was never one to be a part of student counsel in school. Shoot, it took me almost 10 years after I registered to vote to pick a political affiliation. However, a few friends recently have started blogs all beginning with this list: 101 Things in 1001 Days. I thought this was a great idea and something I could join in on, without, of course, actually having to join anything. I’ve hit a point in my life where although proud of all I’ve accomplished so far, like many of my fellow gen x’rs I feel like there has to be more out there. Yes, it turns out reality does bite. 1001 days is almost 3 years. My 35th birthday is coming in 4 months and 3 weeks. Many of the things on the list below I thought I would have accomplished by 35. Since I didn’t, well, now is the time for me to kick myself in the ass and as my friend from Dallas would so kindly say to me, get ‘er done. Some of these are easy, some are long term goals, and two in particular are slightly out of my control (you’ll know which ones those are when you read them). Without further ado, here’s my list (P.S. for those who know me is it so shocking I fell in love with the idea of a list like this?):

1. Buy a plant and NOT kill it
2. Buy a house (currently own a condo, but would like to one day have a house)
3. Run a 5K
4. Change the door knobs on all my doors in my condo by myself
5. Host Thanksgiving dinner at my home
6. Go to a professional football game
7. Lose those last 10 pounds
8. Travel to Istanbul
9. Go to Seattle
10. When my hair has grown long enough, chop it and donate it to locks of love
11. Learn how to make jam
12. Attend the yoga class at my gym 2 times a week (yes, this goes against me joining)
13. Go apple picking
14. Find a career I love
15. Take my niece on a vacation just her and I
16. Find a long-term volunteer opportunity
17. Learn to knit like my mother does
18. Travel to Australia
19. Buy a grown up bedroom set, not the ikea college dorm special I have now
20. Take more photos
21. Remember to live in the moment more often instead of always looking to the future
22. Learn to love my body
23. Gut and redecorate my bathroom (this I WILL get professional help on)
24. Go to Hawaii
25. Take 3 photography classes (0/3)
26. Get a puppy
27. Go to a Lakers game
28. Blog at least once a week
29. Go surfing
30. Use my passport at least once a year (3/3)
31. Eat Paleo for one week
32. See Wicked on Broadway
33. Read Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice
34. Try pilates
35. Dance
36. Put my blackberry away when out with friends and family
37. Play the lottery
38. Go hiking
39. Go on a cruise
40. Take a kitchen knives skills class
41. Take a cooking class
42. Go wine tasting with friends
43. Get a massage once a quarter (1/12)
44. Stop worrying what other people think, focus on what I think
45. Finally read all of the Harry Potter books
46. Finally watch all of the Harry Potter movies
47. Pay off my credit card
48. Buy a brand new car (I’ve always owned used cars)
49. Go back to Paris
50. Lose nothing from this last year of my life and always carry it with me
51. Try a cross fit gym for a week
52. Do not eat out or purchase a meal for one month
53. Just once spend my actual birthday day doing EXACTLY what I want to do (a little hard when your birthday is also Christmas day)
54. Take a trip to Maine
55. Wear my grandmother’s rings daily mostly as a reminder they are both always with me
56. Go to the park by my house at least three nights a week for a walk
57. Have a dinner party
58. Go to Iceland
59. Have a picnic
60. Put $25 a week into my savings
61. Finally do my confirmation and communion
62. Offer to babysit my friends kids so they can have “date nights”
63. Purchase a wii
64. Have friends over to play wii
65. Cook one new recipe a month (6/36)
66. Try one new wine a month (9/36)
67. Keep track of which wines I like and which I don’t
68. Go bungee jumping
69. Build a snowman
70. Have more patience
71. Be nicer to my parents
72. Watch all seasons of Mad Men
73. Read 10 or more books on the BBC Reading list (0/10)
74. Create a new playlist for my ipod
75. Watch 10 movies I’ve never watched before on the AFI 100 list (0/10)
76. Try snowboarding
77. Try 5 new foods (0/5)
78. Go sky diving
79. Learn to golf
80. Decorate my house for Christmas by myself and NOT consider it depressing that I’m decorating on my own
81. Roll up my change and deposit it into my savings account
82. Get my blog read by more than just my family and friends
83. Write weekly in my journal
84. Visit the Met in NYC at least once a year (0/3)
85. Visit the Guggenheim in NYC
86. Slow my tongue; words hurt and I need to learn to NOT always say exactly what I’m thinking
87. Have dinner with friends at least once a month (29/35) except the month of #52
88. Drive PCH in California (ideally top to bottom, in a convertible)
89. Watch the sunrise over the ocean (east coast)
90. Watch the sunset over the ocean (west coast)
91. Go to a baseball game at Camden Yards
92. Say I love you more often to those I love
93. Spend a spa day with friends
94. Take pictures of Central Park in the fall
95. Visit Germany at Christmas time
96. Take obedience classes with puppy from #26
97. Follow my aunt’s advice and start writing again
98. Get married
99. Become a mom
100. Donate $10 for each completed task
101. Donate $50 for each uncompleted task

Start date: August 4, 2011