Recently you wrote to me and I cried my eyes out. I cry every time I read it. And I have read and reread it countless times. However, I realized something reading that letter; I realized that although I said I would never let anyone break me again, I did, in fact, break again. I used to think breaking was a bad thing. I’ve realized this is a good thing. To break, you have to allow someone in to a place where you are vulnerable enough to break, where they quite literally have your heart in their hands. I let you in to a place in my life that very few are ever allowed in to. I’m guarded, I’m closed off, and there are good reasons for that. But, I let you in there. Some would say having broken before I should have never let you in. Some would say having broken again I should be angry and hateful. Well, am I angry? Sometimes. Hateful? No. Hurt? Yes. Happy? Sometimes. Are those people right and I’m wrong? Maybe. Am I right and they’re wrong? Maybe.
All that being said, I am choosing to do something you actually taught me, see the bright side to all of this. I learned from you in this whole crazy thing. In the beginning I wanted nothing you did, in the middle I wanted everything you did, in the end, I’m unsure what either of us wants. One minute I still want what we both wanted, the next minute I simply take comfort in what we had and cherish what once was, the next minute I look forward to what will one day be for me. So am I conflicted? Yes. Those questions you said in the letter I asked of you, yup, I continue to ask them, whether to myself, out loud to the universe, or to you directly. However, I’m starting to let go of those questions, day by day, little by little, because I know that I may never have the answers.
You have been a friend to me in a way I never expected or could have ever anticipated. I’m letting the good of that out weigh the bad of other things. You have been my very own cheerleader in so many things that I can’t even begin to say thank you. You also helped me to realize things I want for my life, for my future I wasn’t quite sure I wanted or how to get to, for that I also say thank you.
You say to me you don’t want to let go and you get angry when I say I am, but I don’t really see any other way for either of us to move forward, particularly when it seems looking on the outside in, you are, in fact, letting go. When we first started talking, we were walking in two different directions. I was going, quite literally, east, very Far East, and you were, well, staying west. Then, somewhere along the way, I stopped going east and I met up with you in the west. Now, I find us, once again, in two totally different directions. You are still here planted firmly in the west, and I’m, well, I’m hopefully going somewhere. I just haven’t quite figured out which direction yet, but I’m hoping its south.
I know not everyone will understand why I would be so positive about a situation such as ours, and believe me I have my good and bad days, my accepting days and my angry days, my sad days and my happy days. But my life is not for others to understand or even accept. My life is mine to live. Am I a perfect person, God knows, no I’m not. But, I’m me and sometimes in life there are things we need to learn to continue on the path of becoming and bettering ourselves. Learning to let someone in is a good thing, even if not right or not meant to stay; I needed to learn that lesson and you helped teach me that.
I don’t know what my future holds, but that’s equal parts exciting and scary. There are all these possibilities for my life. I know I’ll get out there and grab them. I wish you well in your exciting and scary future and I know you wish me well in mine. We will get where the universe means for us to get in our lives. But for that moment in time, we made a memory.
All that being said, I am choosing to do something you actually taught me, see the bright side to all of this. I learned from you in this whole crazy thing. In the beginning I wanted nothing you did, in the middle I wanted everything you did, in the end, I’m unsure what either of us wants. One minute I still want what we both wanted, the next minute I simply take comfort in what we had and cherish what once was, the next minute I look forward to what will one day be for me. So am I conflicted? Yes. Those questions you said in the letter I asked of you, yup, I continue to ask them, whether to myself, out loud to the universe, or to you directly. However, I’m starting to let go of those questions, day by day, little by little, because I know that I may never have the answers.
You have been a friend to me in a way I never expected or could have ever anticipated. I’m letting the good of that out weigh the bad of other things. You have been my very own cheerleader in so many things that I can’t even begin to say thank you. You also helped me to realize things I want for my life, for my future I wasn’t quite sure I wanted or how to get to, for that I also say thank you.
You say to me you don’t want to let go and you get angry when I say I am, but I don’t really see any other way for either of us to move forward, particularly when it seems looking on the outside in, you are, in fact, letting go. When we first started talking, we were walking in two different directions. I was going, quite literally, east, very Far East, and you were, well, staying west. Then, somewhere along the way, I stopped going east and I met up with you in the west. Now, I find us, once again, in two totally different directions. You are still here planted firmly in the west, and I’m, well, I’m hopefully going somewhere. I just haven’t quite figured out which direction yet, but I’m hoping its south.
I know not everyone will understand why I would be so positive about a situation such as ours, and believe me I have my good and bad days, my accepting days and my angry days, my sad days and my happy days. But my life is not for others to understand or even accept. My life is mine to live. Am I a perfect person, God knows, no I’m not. But, I’m me and sometimes in life there are things we need to learn to continue on the path of becoming and bettering ourselves. Learning to let someone in is a good thing, even if not right or not meant to stay; I needed to learn that lesson and you helped teach me that.
I don’t know what my future holds, but that’s equal parts exciting and scary. There are all these possibilities for my life. I know I’ll get out there and grab them. I wish you well in your exciting and scary future and I know you wish me well in mine. We will get where the universe means for us to get in our lives. But for that moment in time, we made a memory.
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