Age is just a number

As the old adage goes, age is just a number, it means nothing. But, if it means nothing, how can it at the same time mean so much. Think about it? How excited were you to turn 16, 18, 21? How terrified were you to turn 30? I have a friend that will be 40 in a few years. We joke with her that we can’t wait for her 40th because we’re going to take a trip to Vegas to celebrate. She freaks out every time we bring it up. She’s says I’m all for a trip to Vegas but please stop talking about my 40th. I will be 35 in a few short months and it has brought up so many questions, fears, and anxieties I never knew were there, just lying below the surface, dying to rear their ugly head.

I have voiced my concerns to friends, but they’re younger and say, oh, you have time, it’s only a number. I have voiced my concerns to other friends, those turning 35 around the same time as me, or those older than me, but they have children already or don’t want children. I have yet to talk to someone in real life that is like me: 35 or older, single, and scared sh*tless. I don’t consider 35 old. I don’t look in the mirror and see myself as ancient. I think I look pretty damn good for almost 35. I actually don’t think I look almost 35 (maybe I’m delusional on that point, but, let me have that delusion). I’m quite happy with my life overall. I have a great family, amazing friends, a kinda cool job (even if I don’t love it), an awesome condo, have traveled to some cool countries, plan to travel to many more, and I have a fairly crazy but cool gato that I love. All in all, I don’t have a bad life. I look around and think I’m definitely blessed. But, I also look around and think there’s still more I want for my life.

I always knew I wanted children. Most little girls dream of their wedding day. I never did. I dreamt of the children I’d have. I wanted a house full of children. I never thought about their father, who he would be. I guess I just figured that piece of the puzzle was the easy part. Boy was I wrong. I also never thought I would find myself one day, frozen by the fear that not finding my children’s father will prevent me from ever having children. I’m faced with all these facts as I head toward my 35th year on this earth:

• The biggest obstacle for women age 35 or older may be getting pregnant in the first place. Fertility rates begin to decline gradually at age 30, more so at 35, and markedly at age 40. Women 45 and older rarely get pregnant without some kind of fertility treatment. Even with fertility treatments such as in vitro fertilization, women have more difficulty getting pregnant as they age. They also have more trouble staying pregnant: The rates of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy go up substantially with age. (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 8).
• The risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome rises from about 1 in 759 at age 30 to 1 in 302 at age 35, 1 in 82 at age 40. (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 1).
• Women over 35 are at a higher risk of developing certain complications during pregnancy such as gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, placental abruption (in which the placenta prematurely separates from the uterine wall), and placenta previa (in which the placenta lies low in the uterus, partly or completely covering the cervix). (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 5).
• Research shows that your chances of having a low-birth weight baby (less than 5 1/2 pounds) or a premature delivery increase with age. Some studies show that older women are more likely to need pitocin during labor, and most studies show a significantly higher rate of delivery by cesarean section. (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 6).
• Researchers have found a higher risk of stillbirth and maternal death in women who give birth at 35 or older (though the overall number of stillbirths and women who die in childbirth each year has dropped significantly in the United States in the last few decades). (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 7).
• On a positive note, more women are having babies later in life in the United States than ever before. In the year 2000, the rate of birth among women 35 to 39 years old was up 30 percent from 1990. In women ages 40 to 45, the increase was 47 percent, and for those ages 45 to 49, the rate was an astounding 190 percent higher. (Baby Center, n.d., “Risks,” para. 9).

So, I read this, and yes, it freaks me out. I never thought of myself as running out of time, until this past summer. This summer I finally admitted to myself things I never would admit to myself out loud. Oh, the feelings were certainly there, but I never would truly own up to them. I kept them buried, afraid that admitting them made me, well, I guess seem weak or un-independent. I finally admitted to myself I want to get married. I want to have children. I used to pretend that I didn’t care about those things, that if it happened, it happened. Somewhere along the way I stopped pretending and admitted, yup, I want that, too. Which leaves me sitting here, 3 months out from my 35th birthday thinking, now what?

I guess the thing is I do hear that stupid biological clock ticking. When thinking about marriage and children in the past I always felt, ok, well, I’ll find him and in time it will all just happen. But, 3 months out from my 35th birthday, I’m not so sure anymore. What if I don’t find “him?” I tell myself ok, well, then you adopt or there are other means to becoming a mother if this is what you want. But, right now I’m not in a position to be a very good single mother, so that’s not really an option. Maybe one day it would be an option for me, being a single mother, right now not so much.

I’m a person who works better with things when doing something to make them happen. But this is something that’s so beyond my control I’m unsure what I can do to make it happen and I ultimately think that’s what bothers me the most. That I can’t control this, I can’t just make it happen. Well, I could, but see above about not in a position to be a single mother right now. Whenever I think about it I like I’m a hamster on a wheel running and running but getting no where, I’ve come to no conclusions, no decisions, no answers. The only thing I can do is sigh, pull up my big girl panties, enjoy my life as it is right now and have faith that one day I will find “him” and have the family I crave. And until then I suppose I should sleep because from everyone I know who does have children that (and s*x) are the first things to go when the babies come.

Reference:

Mussalli, George (n.d) What are the risks of having a baby if I’m 35 or older? Retrieved from http://www.babycenter.com/. The numbers used on BabyCenter are from a reference book published by the Fetal Medicine Foundation: The 11 — 14-week scan: The Diagnosis of Fetal Abnormalities, by Kypros H. Nicolaides, Neil J. Sebire, and Rosalinde J.M. Snijders (Parthenon Publishing Group. New York, NY, 1999).